Solved in 60 sec: Amazon Drone Conspiracy

So 60 Minutes on CBS is already wiping egg off their faces after booking a guest who made up a bunch of stuff about Benghazi.  Seriously, it's the exact same plot as HBO's The Newsroom, season 2.

And now they have to deal with this embarrassment:  Taking Amazon's "Prime Air" delivery drone announcement seriously. It's so ridiculous and over the top, nobody would ever believe it.

What's that?  You believed it.  How embarrassing for you!

Well you, and CNN, and CNET, and 99% of America.  If you step away from the well-crafted public relation and 60 Minutes announcements for two seconds, common sense will return to your mind, and you will see how absolutely impossible Amazon Prime Air really is.

Or just let me sum its ridiculousness for you in 60 seconds:

P.S.  It is possible Amazon will make the drone viable.  And if they do, TacoCopter isn't far behind.

P.P.S.:  I'm also not holding my breath for Taco Copter.

Solved in 90 sec: Brian Griffin Death Conspiracy

SPOLIER ALERT:  They killed off Brian.  But you already knew that.

Despite thousands of Family Guy fans signing e-petitions to bring Brian back (have e-petitions ever worked for anything?), it appears Brian is dead for good.

Except, he isn't.  Here's why:

P.S.  It is possible Seth MacFarlane has felt Family Guy has gone on long enough.  Most shows arc within 5-7 seasons, which can feel like an eternity (The Office, anyone?).  Family Guy is well into its teenage years.

Perhaps MacFarlane is tanking Family Guy on purpose, in which case, all bets are off.  He'll kill of Peter next week.  And Stewie the week after that.  And by the end, only Mayor Adam West will remain.

Solved in 60 sec.: Unconstitutional Controversy

When I lived in the Pacific Northwest in '04, I remember seeing "Impeach Bush" signs all over the city.  There was no end of Constitutional violations which Mr. Bush had made.  It was clear that any free-thinking, educated liberal person would naturally support an effort to end the tyranny of the Bush family and its infringing on the constitution.

Credit:  Portland Indy Media

Then I moved away from the ocean and up into the mountains.  Here everyone is different.  It's Republican country.  Scratch that.  It's "conservative" country (Republicans are too liberal).  And naturally, Barack Obama is Satan himself.

Yes, it's 2004 all over again.  Except we've switched parties.  Washington, Congress, and the President are all ignoring the Constitution, and blah, blah, blah ... yawn.  I've ignored it ... right up to the moment when a town near Park City did something unthinkable:

P.S.  The truth of the matter is I agree with liberal criticism of Bush and conservative criticism of Obama.  I wish the outrage was more substantial and consistent beyond flip-flopping depending if "my party" is in power.

Solved in 60 sec: Autism Vaccine Conspiracy

You have this weird crazy conspiracy going around that vaccines cause Autism.  Maybe, okay.  Perhaps.  I wouldn't rule it out.  After all, America is the country that brought you "The Jungle" (the novel, and the hot dog factory).  And it's not like drug companies are our best friends, right?

And for all those reasons above, I encourage all Moms to vaccinate their kids.  Not because I trust the drug companies.  But because of another reason:

P.S.  You can always class-action sue a drug company.  You can't sue a disease.

Housing Prices Will Hose Us All

I'm just testing out the ability to start a podcast.  What's the biggest problem with the new podcast?  It's A PODCAST!!!!

My Problem

It may not seem like it, but I actually lose quite a bit of sleep over Radio Citrus.  I want to bring it back.  Ever since that day when the steering wheel fell off my Subaru, I got out of the habit and never got back to doing the show.

To quote Santa Claus, "I just kept putting off, and I was too embarrassed" to start it back up.

And I got busy.

The truth is, I got a small promotion: I could step inside a radio studio.  And another: I could touch the radio control board.  And another: I was in charge of behind-the-scenes producing for a national talk show (that was a bit of a jump).  And I had some bad dating experiences with some really dumb girls.  Anyway, that's kept me really busy the last few years.

Now back in the 90s a few promotions would mean I'd be buying a house or something now.  Maybe even buying a wife and kids to go along with it, too. (Anyone know where I can order those?)  But in this economy, my two promotions mean I can finally upgrade from "renting a room" to "renting an entire (tiny) basement."

As my radio "career" ("career" used in the same way Sandwich Artist is a "career") progressed, and I began to producer better and better talk radio, I began to see Radio Citrus in a crappier and crappier light.  The only part of Radio Citrus I feel proud of is the enjoyment you got out of it.  Enough to leave nearly a DOZEN comments, send emails, and even leave voicemails on a phone number I no longer control because I am too cheap to pay it.

I'm willing to be embarrassed:

I want to bring Radio Citrus back, but in a better way.  There's no point doing a 2-hour weekly radio show for a web site that's pretty much dead.  Blessed be its name.  At my age my parents were buying houses, building careers, all that jazz.  I just can't bring myself to create a podcast for 14-year-olds.

So if I was to start up some type of "few days a week" short podcast/show, what could we talk about?

  • Our generation is totally hosed.  At least for now.
  • Both political parties are evil.
  • Mitt Romney has hair plugs.  They're just expensive "good ones."
  • Barack Obama hasn't brushed his teeth in 11 days.
  • How LIBOR is like Anson Fullerton on Burn Notice.
  • How to replace a steering wheel on a '95 Subaru Legacy L.
Is this thing worth resurrecting, even in a more "serious" meaningful way?  Not saying the memes/YTMNDs will totally go away.  I just don't have the stamina to produce regular YTMND shows.

Wadd'ya think?  Leave comments here and on the Facebook page.

Copyrights Taste Great Deep Fried

Thanks for everyone for calling in and tuning in!

I finally got tired of copyrights. Part of why I haven't bothered with the podcast is because I couldn't find enough new "public domain"-ish content to justify the show.

Today, I sat in mild boredom watching cable news, when it donned on me. Perhaps it is better to ask for forgiveness, than it is permission. And tada, a new live show blasted out to a mass audience (of about 10 people).

To celebrate, I tried to violate as many copyrights as I could, mostly to send a strong, pro-First Amendment message, but mainly just to be a jerk. Record labels are like a legal cartel. Sort of like the Kennedy and Capone families in the 20's. (Oh, and I ripped that gavel picture off some pro-Copyright web site).

The re-broadcast of the show should be airing as you read this. For updates, add "Radio Citrus" on Facebook and Twitter. Well, mostly Facebook. Twitter is for old people with Blackberries. And President Barack O'Carter. A likable, one-term president, and future humanitarian.

Sorry, So Slow ...

Unlike Will Ferrel, the podcast isn't dead.

But I figure I owe you all an explanation as to why the momentum started slowing down in July. Before I took my trip to California, my job was pretty much dead. We had almost no work and I wasn't getting hardly any hours. Add budget problems.

When I got back, a bunch of stuff piled up on my desk. And I picked up more hours, which meant more stuff piling up on my desk. As I write this, I am currently lost in a maze of paperwork and I can't find the door. I keep calling out to my co-workers, but they can't find me either. Thankfully they toss me a Hot Pocket and Evian over the wall to keep me alive.

Once I make it out (hopefully) alive I will make the next podcast. Don't worry, the RANTLINE (951-817-7268) has been archiving all of your calls.

Also, for your convenience: JULY PODCAST

Only One Day Late

Alright, here we go for the month of July! More fun and less logical than crushing luxury cars for no good reason.

Originally, I was going to go out on the road broadcasting from Los Angeles, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Portland, etc. But I was on vacation, so I never managed to pull the tape recorder.

For what it's worth, Las Vegas is too hot. Los Angeles is too crowded. San Francisco is the four-way stop capital of the world. And Portland is too rainy.

So, now that I am back safely in familiar digs, and similarly bored, it appears it is time once again to open up the audio mailbag at 951-817-RANT.

Coming up on this month's podcast:
  • The "Wikipedia Contest" really, really backfires on us.
  • John Whitecloud is in a North Korean prison and we try to get him out.
  • The Sears Tower and William Shatner share something in common.
  • A look back on the life on an American legend.
  • A live performance from a prominent West Coast rapper.
  • Every single phone call ... the Top 10 ...
  • ... and soooooo much more ...

Now 36% Less Lame

Check out the Radio Citrus "Taped Show" Podcast Below!

Howdy gang:

Well, apparently Radio Citrus us turning out to be a bigger project to tackle than I originally imagined it to be. I'm sure you've probably had your own web-ventures, and can relate.

9 5 1 - 8 1 7 - R A N T

I've had three problems with the live show so far:

Firstly, getting people here. We've had a loyal group show up for the two live shows in May. Unfortunately, there are plenty of others who'd like to be here, but find they have real lives to live on Friday nights. If I could get Radio Citrus to stream via iPhone and Blackberry, that would begin to fix the problem.

Secondly, trying to get Radio Citrus to stream via iPhone or Blackberry. For some reason uStream claims I can do it, but it doesn't seem to work for anyone who tried. I don't own an iPhone yet, mainly because I hate Apple almost as much as I hate AT&T. There's no way I'm going to buy a phone created by Stalin and Hitler.

Finally, my time. Although the live show is only three hours, I was finding myself spending at least that much trying to get all the equipment hooked up. And probably another three hours chopping it all up for the repeat shows. I'd probably need another three hours if I was to actually prepare the show the proper way.

Plus, I'm angry at radio right now and want it to die.

Well, not really. But I am admitting that podcasting probably has a brighter future. Well, at least for Radio Citrus. I see:
  • You can call in anytime to 951-817-RANT to be on the show.
  • You can e-mail your content to anytime you want.
  • You can listen anytime you want!
  • And finally ... we can all listen in the car!

This does not mean the end of live shows. We'll still do some, but they may be monthly or quarterly. But I'm hoping the podcast will be more frequent.

If you send me lots of (usable, non-copyrighted) "funny joaks" then I will be able to make podcasts easier and more frequently.

Any-who ... Radio Citrus is heading out on the road! We'll be broadcasting from Las Vegas, Hollywood, San Francisco, and Portland. Shows from these cities will be coming up in July in August.

Thanks for your continued support and listening to Radio Citrus!